Bravada is not my strong suit yet.

So, I finally asked my questions last night.

Or, rather, I asked a vague question, received a painful answer, went into a quiet rage, and slammed a door, then made some ridiculously accusatory statements, and cried.
Not normal behavior from me in This New Life, but embarrassingly familiar Poppy Behavior from the past.

And then he asked me if the questions on my mind were, in fact, the questions on my mind.

The tip of my tongue for months, and he’s known all along.

I got my answers. One intriguing, one slightly devastating (although not unexpected), and the rest were answers that I had needed him to say although in Vegas I would have bet on those answers. There is no immediate Plan Change outcome from said conversation. The honesty, the willingness to answer anything I asked, the act of taking the time to talk to me even though it wasn’t the best time for the conversation (and I was honest that this was a big reason why I hadn’t asked, in addition to plain and simple Fear — of the answers, of how things would change, of how things would stay the same — had held me back) made me feel closer to him. Made me feel validated. Made me feel like what we have is real and true rather than a dream or a farce or a show for the internets (Poppy never said she wasn’t craaaaaazy). We made promises to bring things up with each other, more my promise than his since it’s my tendency to not ask what’s on my mind, and… Wow, it feels really good.

And today I feel happy, satisfied, free to say what is on my mind without fear that a most amazing relationship that I am so very lucky to be part of will dissolve before my very eyes if I ask “the wrong thing”.

And like I am making progress in my personal growth. Yay, me.

24 thoughts on “Bravada is not my strong suit yet.”

I’m glad you finally got it out, though. Being brave can be awfully scary, but it’s awfully freeing, too.
xoxo

Good for you. I am working on similar embarrassingly familiar behaviors- maybe it’s a New England thing?

Good for you….it’s so hard to push past those fears and ask those questions. Sometimes it’s almost like jumping off of a cliff. Scary at first but much better once you’ve already done it.

Hooray communication!

This is wonderful news. Knowledge really is power. You gotta know where you stand in order to walk, my friend.

Olives to the both of you.

Crys took the word out of my mouth before I could transfer it to my fingers: Wonderful.

If I believe in anything, it’s the truth. And a relationship anchored to is unlikely to swerve off the road.

I think I just mixed automobile with maritime metaphors, but I stand by my point.

Good for you! Though I wish you had gotten all the answers that you wanted.

My breathing got shallow just reading your post because I know how scary it it to ask the questions you need to know when you are not sure the answers won’t blow up your world. I’m so glad you asked the questions. XOXOXOX

((Poppy)) I’m glad you opened the door and let the sun in. xo

Look at you….being all brave and grown up!

You know all about my having to do the same thing recently, so you know that I know just how damned scary it is – and yet I’m more in awe of you than I am of me.

I hope that you are able to start moving forward now. The demons of your past have no right to barge in on yours and Dawg’s happiness. You could make Poppy the Demon Slayer your super hero persona and kick some ass.

I love you ::tttthhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssss:: much Poppy.

My palms got sweaty reading your post….I sooo understand the fear of asking the questions, and worse yet, awaiting/expecting the answers.

Whew. Now THAT was a big step. Kudos to you, Poppy.

((((BIG HUGS)))) Yeah, I know there’s a no touching Poppy rule, but I had to.

Sometimes I feel like I have PTSD when I let my old fears control me. I keep making progress though.

I am so happy for you–I know it’s hard.

I have questions I have not asked yet because I’m afraid of the answers (and I think I already know them). And I’ve been with him 15 years. I applaud you.

I think every woman out there should read this post and then do the same. You hold it in and eventually it’s way bigger than it ever should have been.

What’s the worst that can happen? Your worst fears are realized and he gives you the answer you feared? Big deal. At least you know. What’s the alternative? Sticking around for years and years always wondering, the questions always nagging at your soul? Who wants that? Not this girl!