So, I finally asked my questions last night.
Or, rather, I asked a vague question, received a painful answer, went into a quiet rage, and slammed a door, then made some ridiculously accusatory statements, and cried.
Not normal behavior from me in This New Life, but embarrassingly familiar Poppy Behavior from the past.
And then he asked me if the questions on my mind were, in fact, the questions on my mind.
The tip of my tongue for months, and he’s known all along.
I got my answers. One intriguing, one slightly devastating (although not unexpected), and the rest were answers that I had needed him to say although in Vegas I would have bet on those answers. There is no immediate Plan Change outcome from said conversation. The honesty, the willingness to answer anything I asked, the act of taking the time to talk to me even though it wasn’t the best time for the conversation (and I was honest that this was a big reason why I hadn’t asked, in addition to plain and simple Fear — of the answers, of how things would change, of how things would stay the same — had held me back) made me feel closer to him. Made me feel validated. Made me feel like what we have is real and true rather than a dream or a farce or a show for the internets (Poppy never said she wasn’t craaaaaazy). We made promises to bring things up with each other, more my promise than his since it’s my tendency to not ask what’s on my mind, and… Wow, it feels really good.
And today I feel happy, satisfied, free to say what is on my mind without fear that a most amazing relationship that I am so very lucky to be part of will dissolve before my very eyes if I ask “the wrong thing”.
And like I am making progress in my personal growth. Yay, me.