So, in exchange for some advice that I gave I received some words of kindness and good news in return and I seem to be miraculously out of my funk!
I think it would be wise for me to start that paper journal, or at least do the offline writing thing. Those writings would never be published unless I significantly changed the names and had permission from all involved and was 90 years old.
What the hell is this movie behind my head? …. Ahh, Delta Force 2. Good ole Chuck Norris and his boom-booms.
Hey, who’s watching Top Chef Las Vegas? Who was annoyed by Ashley being mad about the wedding/battle of the sexes challenge? What the fuck did she expect to have happen in Vegas? At least she made some tasty vagina dish that kept her on the show, what does she care?
Ok, that was perhaps said so crassly to make you laugh, but I might have offended a vagina. Sorry.
Anyway, I got a perfect score (I tried to spell that as “squore” … like square score? I guess…) on week 1′s professional development quiz. I’m going for my ACSP certification, randomly, but it will help my job. It’s something I’ve wanted for years and now is a really good time to get it. I just hope I’m employed through the entire time I’m studying for it… but if not, I paid for the book so I’ll just take it with me and keep on studying. I hold out little hope that work will cough up the money to pay for the certification at this time. We’re really trying to be much more fiscally conservative, is all I’m saying. I suck at conservation. I throw away things all the time, wasteful.
*I am also excited for RenYC but it is a NO-NO to mention another event near the Party of the Year.
I wish I had anything of substance to say here that felt safe to say.
My mind is overwhelmed with things about myself and others that I just can’t write down and publish to the world.
If I were smart I’d get a therapist to listen to me. And then that therapist would go jump out a window to forget what I said.
PS – If you troubled me with your cares and your worries, I promise you that I am glad that you did. I hope I helped a little. But, you know, your turn to make that destiny. <3 to you all.
PPS – “I’m sitting on the patio.” (If you get that joke then good for you, you watch too much TV.
I went to a block party yesterday!
Here are the photos!
(Click the photo to go to the set, yo.)
Who knew just sitting around outside with loud music blaring, drinking a few beers and some homemade chianti, talking with old-to-Dawg friends who feel like they’ve been my friends forever could be that much fun? Yes, I wore sunscreen. SPF 30 Banana Boat spray. Can’t even tell there was sun. And I broke the seal during beer #3 so number of times I peed during the 5-ish hours we were there: 4. What can I say…
Sometimes I feel like writing a book about my life.
Sometimes I feel like being the life of the party.
Sometimes I feel like judging a person based on first impressions.
Sometimes I feel like crawling up into a ball and becoming invisible.
Sometimes I feel like trading in all the good things so that the past is fixed.
(Sometimes I feel like saying what I really mean: I wish he could be here, even if it means me not being here.)
Sometimes I feel like my feelings are invalid.
Sometimes I feel like I am outside looking in.
Sometimes I feel like asking those questions I “shouldn’t”. (And sometimes I do ask.)
Sometimes I feel like putting extra butter on my toast.
Sometimes I feel like helping people who need help.
Sometimes I feel like keeping my mouth shut and letting people create their own destiny.
Sometimes I feel like I am selfish for how I live.
Sometimes I feel like my sister was right about me… a lot more now than I did a year ago, for sure.
Sometimes I feel like being selfless is selfish.
Sometimes I feel like not growing another wizened inch.
Sometimes I feel like making no sense.
Sometimes I feel like I have no one on my side.
Sometimes I feel like too many people are on my side.
Sometimes I feel like I confide misplacedly.
Sometimes I feel like walking in the rain.
Sometimes I feel like it’s all for nothing.
Sometimes I feel like.
I got my Queens library card today!
Which somehow reminded me about something that happened this past weekend, so I’ll share. I saw on Facebook that someone I used to work with back home was posting mobile photos of him and his wife in New York City so I left him a comment on one of the photos or maybe his status, somewhere on there, that we should meet up!
He Facebook messaged me to ask me what I meant, did I mean a meet-up on Saturday?, so I replied explaining that I work in Manhattan so a Friday meet-up for a beverage in the Hell’s Kitchen area would be cool!
Aaaaaand he didn’t reply for the rest of the weekend, until after he posted a status that he had such a fun time here.
And then FB messaged me that it was a whirlwind weekend and blahblahblah couldn’t meet up for drinks blahblahblah.
And I thought three things:
1. Yah, duh, I kinda figured out you didn’t want to see me when you didn’t answer on Friday.
2. I didn’t say DRINKS, I said a beverage and that it needed to be before the workday ended because I had plans after work (I had dinner I was taking home to Dawg).
3. I do not miss the manner in which people back home let you know you’re not a priority to them.
See, I like my pain up front like Teri Garr in Tootsie. You don’t want to see me then don’t ask me questions and lead me on. And if you realize you can’t or don’t want to see me then just fucking say so. Don’t give me that silent treatment bullshit where you pretend you didn’t get the message until after the time had passed. Be a fucking man, woman, child, unshithead, and just own your reality. It’s not gonna break my heart if you’re up front with me, and now I just think you’re a jackass for playing that game with me.
But, if you’re in NYC again, like, OMG, FB message me.
Can it be true?
Yes, it’s TRUE!!!! Ren from Renagerie will be storming the Big Apple on Saturday, October 10 and wants to have dinner and/or drinks and/or conversation with YOU. Want to come along and see some other fantastic blog friends you know and love while Ren beats his chest and grunts in the corner? (Or, plays with his camera and drinks beer, the more likely scenario.)
Location will be: (somewhere super awesomely rad in Manhattan)
Time will be: (6-ish-PM)
Date will remain: Saturday, October 10
Guest of honor will remain: Ren
Geez, people, catch on!
He’d love to see you there, and quite frankly so would I, so you need to show up if you’re in the general vicinity. Leave me a comment to express your interest.
Tense labelled this the Rainbow Meme. I am labelling it the Rainbow Sock Zombie Meme.
Stop looking down my shirt.
1. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
Yes, since I do in fact see them after the rain. And during.
2. If you could have one dream come true, what would it be?
This one feels too personal, although I’m pretty sure most of you could guess it if you thought about it long enough.
3. Do you believe in eternal love?
I believe in love from here to eternity, not sure about eternal, because if I didn’t know about you ahead of now how could I have eternally loved you?
4. What feeling do you love most?
Love wrapped in a security blanket.
5. What feeling do you hate the most?
Insecurity wrapped in hate.
6. Do you cherish every single friendship you have?
No, I do not. Some friendships are one-way: Some I consider someone a friend and they don’t consider me one, some are the other way, and some are both ways. I cherish equal friendships the most.
7. Do you believe in God?
No. At this point in my life I still have not accepted an all supreme being into my heart or mind.
8. Who cares for you most?
I do. But there are many close runners-up.
9. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
10. What emotion do you like to show?
11. If you have something troubling you, what do you do?
Mumble to myself like a crazy person
12. Whom do you admire most?
That’s hard, because I admire a lot of people pretty equally. I have a lot of admiration in my heart.
13. Whom did you last chat with in a chat room?
I haven’t been in a chat room since high school. So, whoever I name won’t mean anything to you, other than NaT who none of you know very well and who is no longer blogging where I can see it.
14. What kind of person do you think the one you stole this meme from is?
She is intelligent, demanding in a strong and powerful woman way, kind-hearted to her family and close friends, a no bullshitter who hates your bullshit so don’t even go there.
15. What color do [you] dye your hair?
It used to be dyed red. I have not had it dyed since I lived in Vermont, over a year ago. Or cut! The red is still growing out. People at work think it looks pretty rad.
16. Why are you doing this meme?
Because Tense inspires me to do memes. I know some of you hate memes, but… why the hell are you still reading? :p
17. What do you do when you’re moody?
I mumble to myself, mistreat myself, say snarky things, throw tantrums, pout, go to bed, watch trash TV, give you the silent treatment… hmm, I’ll stop there. Oh, and take Midol when it gets really bad.
18. At which age do you wish to or did you, get married?
I was 26. In case you’re new here, I am no longer married.
19. If today is the last day of your life, what will you do?
Probably what I already did today, especially if I don’t know about it: Laundry, Five Guys little bacon cheeseburger, E*Sparks coffee, a visit with Mama Dawg kitties and a chat about MMA with Mr. Clean, a package pickup, kitty foods pick-up, a little friend time on the internets, hanging out with Dawg and the girls, TV. I started reading a book called Posh by Lucy Jackson that one of my favorite co-workers at my current job gave me and the first chapter is about a woman with liver cancer who knows it’s her last day of life so her dying wish is to get a mani-pedi. She dies while getting the manicure, and the manicurist finishes the job because it was stated to her as this woman’s dying wish. I think that’s cool, but that’s me.
20. Who is the person you trust the most?
21. Last time you smiled?
I smile every day, baby.
22. What are you listening to right now?
The sounds of my neighborhood out the open window.
23. Who was the last person you saw in your dream?
24. Are you talking to someone while doing this?
25. Do you walk with your eyes open or closed?
If it’s dark I’ll do it with my eyes closed so I can hear my way around, if it’s light I go with the eyes open approach.
26. Is there a quote by which you live?
27. Do you want someone you cannot have?
I have the one I want.
28. Who always makes you laugh?
Dawg, ALWAYS. Even when he’s trying to be a shit.
29. What was the worst idea you’ve had this week?
Hmm, I’m gonna need to think on this… Maybe to answer the phone when I didn’t recognize the number at work. That turned into a fiasco of ridiculosity. I should have just run for cover to the server room.
30. Do you speak another language other than English?
I speak PoppyDawg, which you might have heard in a personal video or two. We do have our own language. It’s Brawta-y baby talk, but we’re not from Jamaica. (Brawta means “gift” in Jamaican, but because of the way I was introduced to it in 1998 by the Jamaican-Carribean food of Brawta cafe in Brooklyn, it means quintessential Jamaican to me.) I have studied French, German, Chinese, Spanish, Italian, and American Sign Language (which is not spoken, btw, dur) as well as a few programming languages (alllllso not spoken), and tried to self teach Arabic (it’s a very hard language, and before I got anywhere with it I gave all my books and tapes to my co-worker who was about to be deployed; he returned without them, which is totally ok), but I speak English and PoppyDawg.
Wordy, yup. Off to finish my copy of files from the 500GB myBook to my new 1TB myBook so I can give the 500GB to Dawg, and watch The Unborn in the dark all alone while Dawg works a show where he’ll come home covered in puke (I CAN’T WAIT FOR THAT!). Later, gators!