I don’t know what’s happened to me lately, but I’ve let myself get out of control with being a Grumpy Old Lady.
Today I’d finally had enough of myself and googled how to not hold grudges. This led to a search about forgiving (myself and others), letting go of resentment, and the health benefits of being a nicer person.
I know a lot of you who know me think I am a nice person. The problem with that for me is that the nicer someone tells me I am the more destructive I want to be to that image, because it’s built into my character to resist you.
I don’t want to not be me, but I also don’t want to nitpick my boyfriend to death with shit that doesn’t matter when he *NEVER* says one bad word about me to me or to others.
Tonight I asked him to help me be nicer. Tonight I said, “do me a favor. If I’m being mean please say to me ‘you’re being mean.’”
I have too many excuses for why I let myself be mean: I am hungry, I am tired, I am premenstrual, I am a woman, I have to stay hard for the city, I work too hard, I’m bored, someone did me wrong.
Life’s too short for excuses, so I’m going to try not to make them anymore, and just be happy.
Today I downloaded nature sounds for me to listen to on my iPod Touch and my work computer, sounds that I used back in 7th grade to center myself, to meditate, to bring me from the dark to the happy light.
Join me or don’t, but I’m going to try to be happy again.