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May23

My head doctor was so impressed with my improvement after one month of taking a lovely little magical brain balancing pill that she told me we only need to meet every other month, except this time when she wanted to see me again in a month to make sure that I was still doing well two months in. I will see her for my third session this coming Tuesday. I am still doing really well almost every day.

If I told you all the changes in me you wouldn’t believe that I started feeling them almost immediately after I started taking those pills.

I feel normal.

I had no idea how flipping messed up I was before. I didn’t even know what normal felt like until I felt it. Now, two months into taking these pills, feeling normal is normal to me. Not feeling like my brain is constantly humming is my new normal.

At the last session almost a month ago my therapist looked into my eyes and said “the frozen food aisle is not for us”. Since she was right about giving me a magical pill to make me feel better I figured she knew what I shouldn’t be eating. I used to almost exclusively eat frozen dinners at lunchtime five days a week. Now I don’t touch that stuff. I always eat fresh food at lunch — salads, gazpacho, egg white omelettes from fresh & co., sandwiches that are made from fresh, organic ingredients. Also, I decided to eat breakfast every day after never, ever, evereverever consciously choosing to eat breakfast for my entire life. I now have oatmeal for breakfast every day that I can and a piece of fruit. I drink water. I drink milk sometimes too, and I do have 8 ounces of Diet Coke at lunch (I know, I tried quitting and got right back into the habit and I just haven’t formed a healthier habit quite yet to erase this one) and also I am hooked on Ben & Jerry’s ice cream because it’s hot.

But count all the good stuff in that paragraph.

Also, I don’t stare out the window and wonder what it would feel like to jump out of it (not that I would ever do that). And I also don’t obsess over when I can drink some alcohol “like an adult” and then feel shame that I drank it. And I also talk with my boyfriend about stuff on my mind every day instead of assuming he is too busy or disinterested to want to know about my life.

There are some days where I feel extremely anxious and out of control, and then I know there’s something extra stressful going on that I need to pinpoint so I can get through it without going off the anxiety deep end. It’s pretty awesome to manage that and be able to talk it through and think it through and not need to avoid it by self sabotaging in any way an anxious person might choose in order to avoid the reason for the anxiety.

I am a work in progress and very happy with where I’m taking myself.

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tuned

Jan19

Tomorrow is the 5th anniversary of our first date. I honestly cannot believe it has been 5 years that we’ve been together. It always feels like forever but at the same time brand new. I’m saving all my gush for the card I’m giving to Dawg, but trust me when I say my heart is overflowing with happiness.

Happy 5th anniversary!

Love you, baby.

fortune

Oct23

This past weekend was pretty epic.

Friday I went to my brother-in-law’s wedding, gained a sister-in-law, drank some Jesus juice, and met the neighbors I’ve heard so much about for so many years from Mama Dawg and Hollywood.

Saturday Dawg and I went to brunch at the Georgia Diner with Mama Dawg, Hollywood, Mr. Clean, and his new bride Mariposita. We had a great time just being a family together. It’s very cathartic to spend quality time with family, and it’s nice that Dawg’s family feels like *my* family too. We then got Subway and went home to watch movies and then I cleaned while Dawg wrote.

Sunday we spent the day with our very dear friends. I can’t remember if they have nicknames, I just know I love them as if I’ve known them all my life, and love their baby that much too. While Baby Jax stayed home with his godmother the rest of us went to the Intrepid to see Enterprise in its new resting place. In Chantilly it was roped off, in NYC you can walk under it! And touch it if you’re very tall, but then you probably get yelled at. After visiting the museum we had dinner at the Georgia (twice in one weekend).

I very much miss this wonderful weekend.

familiar territory

Oct14

This weekend we attended an EMS conference a bit upstate from the city. A group of people from our volunteer ambulance corps were at the conference with us, so we pretty much spent the majority of the weekend hanging out together going to sessions, eating, partying, and enjoying being away from the headaches of the city for a while.

It always surprises me when I feel such a sense of family with the other volunteers from our corps. And family I actually genuinely want to hang out with. I was the only female in our group, so it was like I had one boyfriend (my actual one) and then five brothers. One more of the guys even showed up just to attend Dawg’s session that he was there to present, which was surprising to me and extra special to Dawg.


Christmas

Dec31

I had a really great Christmas. Everyone was way too generous in their gift giving. When questioned about this they simply would say “it’s just that kind of year” or “I love you!” and who am I to turn away the generosity of others because of their love for me?

Before Christmas I had actually not been in any sort of spirit for it, barely getting presents for anyone at all. I made out my Christmas cards while very sick, with no address book so I had to look up everyone I could remember and missed a lot of people, and I’m lucky I got out the 20 I did.

My favorite gifts were intangible — seeing friends I haven’t seen in a long time, getting to spend time with family members I love, seeing the happy smiles on faces of people who enjoyed what they receive, getting to try something new and simultaneously fearing and loving it (we drove on the 35 degree incline of the Bristol Motor Speedway, which hosts two NASCAR races a year, and I was so terrified my eyes were moist, but I would of course love to do that again).

I feel like I’ve lost my knack for writing tight blog posts, so just keep bearing with me.

My stepdad gave me the NASCAR track gift AND a Tempurpedic pillow when I told him that the pillow I was sleeping on in the camper made my neck better. He also showed up to a movie he knew would have a lot of things in it he wouldn’t care for, just so we could all be together. My mom gave me the gift of promising to come here in February to help me clean and organize the apartment. If you hadn’t noticed, Dawg and I never showed you a video of our home after we moved in. That’s because it’s a disastrous mess in here, mainly because of all the stuff I lugged here from Vermont. It all needs to go, or be organized so that it fits neatly here, and my mom is riding the Megabus to come all the way here to do that.

And Dawg’s mom told me she wants me to call her Mom. Because I’m a keeper. :)

My brother’s family sent us gifts from Vermont all the way to Tennessee so we could open them with my mom and stepdad. They were too generous, and I told them so, but they’re happy about it and I now have a fridge filled with peanut butter cups of varying shapes, and a neoprene cover for this MacBook Pro I’m typing into right now.

Dawg gave me items that tugged at my heartstrings because they were from him to me, and they are sentimental to us. And I loved watching him open his gift from Georgie because she truly got him one of the best gifts of all time — 4 pairs of pajama bottoms in a huge box, one pair flannel, one pair fleece, one pair cotton with Santa hat skull, and one pair polar bear. :)

I am a flawed person, and yet these people still love me. Such a great gift. The best, in fact.

Long time coming

Jul7

I’m finally going home tomorrow to bury my paternal grandmother on Saturday. She passed away 2 months to the day before her 90th birthday (July 3rd, a popular day for birthdays).

She had lung cancer.

Her death has brought me much more anxiety than I ever anticipated.

Her death has also allowed me to reflect upon and think fondly of time we spent together, both good and bad.

Odd, that.

The next day

Jun22

Today is my 4 years.

Today is the day I was sitting at my desk in my shared office in the basement of my work building in Vermont, collaborating with my officemate Carol and our very creative and artistic colleague about what design to put on shirts for our walk-in computer clinic.

We were brainstorming. Kicking around ideas. Justin was super animated, bouncing around like a caged bee between my desk and Carol’s across the room. iChat was open on my MacBook Pro, and it was chiming A LOT, but I absentmindedly turned off the sound because I was busy with the people in front of me.

And then my phone started buzzing. A text I will never forget. A text I didn’t believe. A text I truly hoped was a very cruel joke. A text from the person who had introduced me to Dawg’s Cereal Wednesday world, and therefore the world of Puppy Monster. A text telling me of the events the day before.

I excused myself from the brainstorm, went into the room with all the filing cabinets, and called Adam. I asked him if he was joking; he was not. I became more hysterical than I already was. I don’t remember the conversation because I was shutting down emotionally, but I eventually hung up. I went into the dark stairwell. I went into the bathroom no one ever dared go into. I went back into the room with all the filing cabinets. I just wandered while my mind raced.

And then I went back to my office and sat at my desk, stunned. I asked that we table our brainstorm discussion for a later time. Justin left the room and Carol went back to work. I just sat at my desk, frozen.

Before that text Dawg was an Internet friend. Puppy Monster was a special guest on his Internet cereal show. After that text, DJ was the first person I truly mourned and Dawg was someone I wish I could find in the world and give a hug until I could make it all better.

Today is the day four years ago that changed me as a person forever. The day I truly understood that life is too short and should not be wasted on a life lived without purpose.

Today is the day I celebrate DJ’s short life, even though I never got to be with him a day he was alive. Today, and every day, I think fondly of how DJ has his dad’s ears, his dad’s arms, his dad’s hands, his dad’s eyes, his dad’s button nose, his dad’s hammy smile for the camera. Today, and every day, I keep him in my heart where he belongs.

Thanks for reading.

I would like to write on my blog.

May15

The other night I tried to publish a post about my anger over a family member not being able to be buried because Vermont is in Mud Season and the ground does not meet the correct conditions for the gravesite to be dug up.

It’s very upsetting to wait for closure. And each day that we wait for the cemetery conditions to be right I find myself becoming more and more angry that my family must put a hold on their grieving process.

This family member lived a very long life, filled with both good things and challenging things, and deserves to be put to rest.

I’m borrowing that word my brother taught me at 3 so I can say:

Fuck you, Mother Nature.

Thanks to my blog for cooperating today, and for letting me post a much less polished display of my feelings on this subject so that I look like an idiot. You may not be renewed the next time your domain comes due.