Stupid fucking phone etiquette: The person who keeps CALLING MY PHONE but never leaving a message. If I don’t recognize your number I’M NOT PICKING UP THE CALL. TAKE A FUCKING HINT. You’ve called me 15 times in the last two weeks. Do I EVER answer? NO. NO, I DO NOT. EXCEPT BY ACCIDENT WHILE I MUMBLE “LEAVE ME A FUCKING VOICEMAIL MESSAGE.”
(And if you’re the one calling me, then I revise the entry to: Please leave me a voicemail so I know who you are. 
Poppy: Nose?
Poppy’s nose: Yes, Poppy?
Poppy: Nose, stop running.
Poppy’s nose: Nope!
Poppy: Yes!
Poppy’s nose: No.
Poppy: Yeeeeees.
Poppy’s nose: Nah.
Poppy: Yuh!
Poppy’s nose: What’s in it for me?
Poppy: Nose?
Poppy’s nose: Yup!
Poppy: You’re mean.
Poppy’s nose: Yup!
Apparently me running into the door with my head on the way out Friday did not detour (ahem) deter (at least I catch my own mistakes) the cafe check-out guy from wanting to continue hitting on me. He just used a line on me. Smoooooooth.
I can’t share with you the actual line he used because it’s work specific (as in, specific to my employer) but that’s extra bonus points right there. Takes mad skillz to do that, no?
I know I’m cute, but it’s weird to me that people I don’t know flirt with me. I think it’s because I smile and look people in the eye, which is what I’m doing with you right now. (How you doin’? Hehehe.)
…the somewhat malcontent but always adorable anyway Ms. Molly:
“Tell the internets I said hey, if they still remember me. Lol. I promise I’ll be back! It just may not be until next month sometime.”
If she doesn’t come back I will be stealing her stapler, her puppy named Hershey, her snarky daughter Fynn (on Tuesdays only), and her meat-filled email.
(Please come back.)
BrainyQuote’s funny quote of the day(??): “I have never been hurt by what I have not said.” ~Calvin Coolidge
My reaction, verbalized to an empty room: “Well, that’s a wussy thing to say!”
As I motored between new and old office I heard this about me…
Previous officemate: *making a 3-foot-long gesture with hands* “She’s got some really nice short ones.”
I enjoy being spoken about so fondly! She was speaking about some short shelves that are in my new office which I won’t be needing, but it’s amusing to overhear.
Hay: Whatever happened to Billy Ocean?
Poppy: He became irrelevant.
Hay: Oh, that’s terrible! … Now, when the going gets tough?
Poppy: The tough get going.
Hay: And when the going gets rough?
Poppy: They get going too?
Follow-up:
Poppy: I once killed a man.
Hay: Jesus, really?
Poppy: His name was Billy Ocean.
Hay: Wow…
Officemate (who also happens to be the manager of the help desk*): I hate Microsoft.
Poppy: You know you’re not supposed to say that.
Officemate: You are absolutely right. But this stupid piece of shit…
Poppy: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…
Officemate: *laugh* …won’t show two spreadsheets side by…
Poppy: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Officemate: side. What?
Poppy: I am having too much fun at work lately.
She cracks me up. I’m going to miss sitting in an office with her. Granted, we’ll be in our own offices directly on the other side of the wall from each other, but her random outbursts are priceless.
*I do not work for the help desk. She is not my supervisor. But she is definitely like a mom to me.
“No. No. NO. Do not bother your sister. She is sleeping.”
“STOP SCRATCHING THE COUCH! THE SCRATCHING POST IS RIGHT. THERE.!!!!”
“Stop smelling your sister’s ass.”
“Stop eating your sister’s food.”
“Get OFF the screen! I know bugs/birds are fun but you’re gonna break through and hurt yourself.”
“Why are you crying?”
…
“You are so adorable.”
“Do you want me to scratch your belly?”
“Do you want me to scratch your ears?”
“Do you wanna type something?”
“Are you gonna get that birdie? Are you gonna bite that birdie’s HEAD off?! Huh, are ya!?”
“[Any one of the three girls' names goes here], you’re in charge today while we’re gone.”
TV: You won’t believe what pirates will do.
Poppy: I BELIEVE WHAT PIRATES WILL DO. PIRATES ARE BAAAA-YAD.
Hay: *laughs*